unlocking social success: how verbal and nonverbal cues shape our connections

As humans, we are driven by two fundamental forces: the need to protect ourselves and the need to socially engage. These drives frequently create a push-and-pull dynamic within us. 

To protect ourselves, we are born with a built in process designed to monitor our internal and external surroundings—called neuroception. It is an automatic, unconscious surveillance system; constantly scanning our environment for signs of threat and safety. It plays a critical role in how we navigate the world and our relationships.

Our drive for social connection is governed by our social engagement system; a cluster of nerves that emerge in our brain and run through our face, throat, and connect to our heart. When this system is online and functioning optimally, we feel social, flexible, and creative. We can sustain attention, energize to meet the day’s demands, and bond with others, allowing our body to restore through rest and digestion. Sounds dreamy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately, that dream goes out the door when our neuroception picks up a “threat"—this could be anything from a low tone - like a slamming door, an unwelcoming facial expression, or even physical sensations like an achy stomach or feeling like someone is just too close. When this happens, our nervous system switches gears to prioritize our safety, turning off the social engagement system to activate our fight/flight/freeze responses.

We are grateful for these responses, they keep us alive. The challenge comes when we shift into these defensive modes too often or get stuck there. Why? because it is difficult, even impossible, to foster meaningful social connections when our nervous system is in a distress state.

To better understand why we shift into these states, let’s look at how our verbal and nonverbal communication plays a key role in the cues we send and receive from those we communicate with.

Nonverbal Communication:

It can be easy to overlook just how much of our communication happens outside of the spoken or written word. Understanding the role nonverbal communication plays in building relationships  is fundamental to human interaction. These subtle cues we send and receive are crucial in determining whether we feel safe enough to connect—and if our communication partner feels safe to connect with us.

Body language: refers to our movements, posture, and facial expressions.

Cues that our nervous system tends to perceive as “safe”:

An open postures: uncrossed arms and a relaxed stance
Slow and deliberate movements
A relaxed face 

Cues that our nervous system tends to perceive as a “threat”:

A closed posture: crossed arms over the chest; hunched shoulders
Quick, abrupt movements
A clenched jaw or furrowed brow 

Tone of Voice: refers to the pitch, volume and pace of how something is said.

Cues that our nervous system tends to perceive as “safe”:

Even volume
Calm, warm, and steady tone
Slow and measured speech

Cues that our nervous system tends to perceive as a “threat”:

Loud volume
High-pitched and fast tone
Rapid speech without pauses

Proximity: refers to the physical distance between people during an interaction.

Each person’s comfort level with proximity can vary depending on the situation.
Reading a person’s body language helps us gauge if they are comfortable with
our distance and how we show others whether we are comfortable or
uncomfortable with theirs. 

A general guideline is to stay about an arm's length away so we aren’t too close but not too far. Adjusting distance based on mutual comfort is key to maintaining a sense of safety and connection in our interactions.

Remember, our built-in surveillance system is constantly picking up on these cues. While we don't always have control over these areas, understanding that we unconsciously send and receive signals can lead to more successful social engagement. The goal is to better understand how these cues affect our interactions and how we can effectively communicate our comfort level to others.

Verbal Communication (spoken and written) 

As neurodivergent people, many of us experience monotropism - our interests tend to pull us in stronger than most people can. This means our drive to engage often comes in the form of sharing our interests and information. This is who we are and it is lovely. 

When regulated, we can be a beacon of information and spark interest in others. 

Here, communication will likely still center around information sharing. The key difference is our ability to express our thoughts more cohesively, actively listen to our communication partner's responses, and pick up on their nonverbal cues—allowing us to recognize when it's time to shift to new topics as the conversation naturally progresses.

Communication breakdowns tend to arise when we are in a distress state.

While hyperfocus can be a powerful skill, it can also lead us to become stuck, missing both our internal cues and the signals from others. This might show up as us fixating on a specific topic to the point where we lose connection with the person we’re communicating with, or it might cause us to avoid engagement altogether, preferring to stay immersed in our monotropic interests. Whether we realize it or not, positive social engagement is essential for our well-being. A lack of it can lead to isolation, anxiety or even depression - this is what we want to avoid.

Our goal is to strike a balance between the push-pull dynamic of our built-in alarm system and our need for social engagement. What we’re not asking you to do is override the warning signs coming in. Instead, we want you to become aware of the cues that trigger the alarm, so we can begin to create social environments that truly fill us up.

shine bright, be you 

♥︎