the power of co-regulation

Co-regulation is more than just calming someone down—it’s a shared nervous system experience. Think of it like borrowing a little bit of calm from someone else's nervous system when yours is feeling overwhelmed.

From day one, we’re completely dependent on caregivers to regulate us. As babies, our stress response systems aren't fully developed, so we rely entirely on these caregivers to notice our cues, soothe our distress, and keep us safe. Gradually, through countless gentle touches, comforting voices, and consistent responses, we transition into co-regulation—where regulation becomes a shared, back-and-forth experience. This isn’t just warm-and-fuzzy bonding—it’s literally shaping our nervous systems and preparing us to eventually manage stress independently.

As we grow, we gradually learn to self-regulate, handling stress and emotions on our own (at least most of the time!). But here’s the important piece we often overlook: no matter how skilled we get at managing our own stress, we never outgrow the need for co-regulation. Even as adults, we hit seasons, weeks, or just rough days when our internal resources feel drained. Those are the times our biology pushes us toward connection. Co-regulation isn’t just comforting—it is a biological must.

Bottom line? We are wired for connection and co-regulation—from squishy little babies through creaky knees and bifocals. Whether you're having a tough day at work or navigating a challenging life season, connecting with a regulated nervous system can help us find our way back into balance.

Sharing your calm or, your chaos?

Have you ever walked into a room and immediately felt the tension hanging thick in the air? Or maybe you’ve felt your own calm bring down the temp in a tense situation. That’s because our nervous systems sync up. Whether we are buzzing with stress or grounded in calm, others around us absorb it — often without us even realizing it’s happening.

When your nervous system is dysregulated, whether you're stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, it doesn't stay contained just to you. Our brains and bodies are constantly communicating with those around us. Stephen Porges calls this process "neuroception"—the unconscious way our nervous systems pick up on signals of safety or threat from the environment and people around us. If someone near us is calm and regulated, our nervous system picks up on those cues and can begin to relax. But if they're tense, stressed, or agitated, our own nervous systems will mirror that tension.

It’s important to note: the syncing of nervous systems isn't about using a strategy to control someone's emotions or behavior. Genuine co-regulation is rooted in connection, empathy, and presence—not compliance or control. 

If someone is in a heightened state, your goal is not to make it stop.

Your role is to communicate: “You are not too much. You are not alone. Your feelings don’t scare me.”

So HOW do we co-regulate?

First, it starts with us. If my storm meets your storm, we don't cancel each other out—we just create a bigger storm. A dysregulated person cannot regulate another dysregulated person. That’s why the first step in co-regulation is finding our own calm. Before we can be a safe, steady presence for someone else, we have to anchor ourselves.

Once we’re grounded, we can offer that steadying presence to others. And while there’s no one-size-fits-all script, there are some simple tools that support co-regulation:

- Soft, steady tone of voice

- Validating words (“This is hard.”, “I’ve got you.”, “You’re not alone.”)

- Gentle, physical presence (when welcome)

- Consistent, deep breathing

- Slowing your own body down 

- Resisting the urge to fix, explain, ask questions or rush the moment

These aren’t complicated techniques—but they do take self-awareness and intention.

Co-regulation doesn’t come from a perfect script; it comes from the state you’re in — calm, grounded, and regulated.

It's not the strategy—it’s the nervous system behind it that makes the difference.

shine bright, be you 

♥︎